she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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