I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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