Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Randomize
