It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
