Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
