At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Randomize
