We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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