im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
