My friends, they love my intelligence
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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