im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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