Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
