you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
