I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
