i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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