Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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