Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
