final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
