and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
