Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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