I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Randomize
