It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
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