Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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