he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
