i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
