I think I won the penis lottery.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
