im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
