If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
