he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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