You really coming over, don't trick.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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