I hate all girls vehemently.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
