My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Randomize
