she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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