I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
