Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
