I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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