look no pants
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
