he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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