The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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