I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
