I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Randomize
