it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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