god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
