The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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