I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
