Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
