I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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