i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Sober January is a disaster.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
