the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
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