My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
