yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
