My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
