yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
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